Validation

Anyone reading this with kids has probably figured out by now that it's kind of a big waiting game. Once we get past the ever adorable baby/toddler stage and our kids begin to assert their own personalities, we realize that it's maybe not all going to be a piece of cake. Our kids argue and test and push and roll their eyes and swear they'll never make the choices their parents made--or is that just my kids?. They develop interests which their parents can't understand and begin speaking in a language almost incomprehensible to those of us who raise them. Sometimes it seems like they're just really far away and they simply cannot hear us. We might try to guide them but often as not, they insist on doing things their way. And we parents just have to sit back and wait to see how it all turns out.

Every once in a while, though, we get a glimpse of who they are becoming and, if we are lucky, we get to see the part we parents played in that transformation. I was blessed with one of those moments today and it brought tears to my eyes.

It happened, as these things so often do, in the car, while I was driving MonkeyBoy to the bank. He had finally saved up enough to buy his own computer and we were going to move his money into my account since I needed to do the ordering. I think I jokingly said something about how mean I was to make him make this purchase with his own money and then pointed out how lucky he was to be a kid. He could spend his money any way he wanted but we parents had so many things to pay for and often not a whole lot left over.

Then out of the blue, he said, "I think you guys totally made the right choice". I wasn't sure what he was referring to, but then he explained that he thought it really was great that one of his parents was always home, that he and his siblings never had to go to day care or school, and that they could be home schooled. He actually said these things were more important than money and he hoped to be able to raise his kids in a similar way.

We parents don't get to hear things like that all that often so you know I was paying attention!

Sometimes I look at my friends who seem to have it all: lovely homes and cars that aren't one breakdown away from the junk yard, money for vacations and beach homes and endless camps and classes for their kids. Oh, and health insurance. The Spouse and I traded those luxuries for time with our kids, more time than most American families ever get . There have been many, many times when we've questioned the wisdom of taking this route. We've explained this choice nearly every time the kids ask us why we can't take "real" vacations or eat out more often or any number of things that would be lovely but aren't really so hard to do without. I always figured that down the road, perhaps when they had kids of their own and were up against the kinds of choices we've had to make over the years, that hopefully then they might understand why we made the choices we did about money and time and work and family. But I was astonished and hugely gratified to find that my 14 year old already had it figured out.

Where I've been.....

The last month or so has been a challenging one around my house and I have felt emotionally drained often enough that I've had a hard time writing anything of substance. I hope that's OK and I hope my few regular readers haven't totally lost interest.

The big drama in our family has revolved around The Dark Lord and high school. He made his own decision to stop homeschooling and enroll in a public high school as a freshman last year. He got off to a great start, made lots of friends, found an after school drawing club that he loved and things went well during his freshman year. This second year, however, has been much more challenging and he's lost a lot of his enthusiasm. What was a positive experience has turned to drudgery with no end in sight. There have been meetings with the principal which were encouraging but not truly helpful. There have been meetings with the vice-principal which were downright awful due to her annoying combination of condescension and chirpiness. I've been to conferences, talked with teachers, talked with other parents, made phone calls, read books---it's not unlike many years ago when some big shift in his development took place and I was desperate to talk to others, find answers, and help him transition.

When I talked with family members about his struggles I was told either that my expectations for him were too high or that he'd just need to tough out his high school years. Is it really too much to expect a formerly self-directed child to enjoy learning? Is there any more reason to expect him to tolerate a learning environment that fails to meet his needs? Or am I coddling him when I look for alternatives and try and help him sift through his options? This is the kind of stuff I've been struggling with lately, along with my son's obvious ambivalence about his situation. He's had a hard time weighing the options and making decisions about next year and the whole thing has been very stressful, most especially for him.

One option we'd hoped to have was enrolling him in PCC's Gateway to College program which is a dual credit program allowing kids to earn their high school diplomas taking college classes. Brilliant. The program focuses heavily on academic readiness and support so kids who haven't been terribly successful in school get what they need to do well. It's a great program and sadly, not available to us due to the school district in which we live.

As it turns out, Gateway isn't the only dual credit program out there and we began to look into the Early College Academy run through a statewide charter school. In the lower grades, it's an online curriculum not unlike Oregon Connections Academy which was a disaster for my kids. But the early college program, like Gateway, allows kids to earn simultaneous high school and college credit. With a little planning, my boy could have both his high school diploma and an associate's degree by the time he's 20. And the college tuition? Free. Early College Academy doesn't have the built in support piece in quite the same way, but they tell me that he will have a counselor who will meet with him as necessary to help him develop his organizational skills and help him plan and meet his goals. He feels like this is enough and is ready to make the switch.

Starting in September he'll be taking two classes at Portland Community College and his load will increase after that if things go well. He'll have a little breathing room and hopefully the ability to refocus on his goals. Plus, at PCC he can take classes like this, so he's pretty excited and so are his parents.

Next up: figuring out what to do with MonkeyBoy who has lost all interest in high school for next year. I'll keep you posted.....

Words I Never Thought I'd Hear

Today was notable in that it was the first of four sessions in which I get to be a parent-teacher in my daughter's Shabbat School class. When we were first looking at synagogues, one of the big draws for our homeschooling family was the elementary religious education program which was cooperatively taught by parents. How great, we thought, parents and children learning together.

After many different classes, teaching teams, and groups of kids over the last decade, my enthusiasm is somewhat dulled. As it turns out, it's not an easy thing to manage a class of 6 year olds, only a few of whom are genuinely interested in the content presented in our carefully crafted lessons while the others are clearly there against their will and would rather poke each other, and lounge apathetically under the tables. Today reinforced my career choice of working with teens and young adults. I bow to those who work with these kids all day long. I do not have that kind of stamina. Or patience. First grade teachers must be superhuman.

It occurred to me as I worked with these kids today that there were a couple who probably would be happier not in a classroom for the sixth day in a row. And I thought back to MonkeyBoy at six. He went to Shabbat School on Saturdays and mostly seemed to enjoy it and learn quite a bit. But he wasn't at school all week long. Watching these high energy, super physical kids I realized that my son would likely have been just like them had he been trapped all week long.

It just so happened that MonkeyBoy came along today. He'd been hired to do child care during some concurrent programming for parents, but none of the folks who'd requested child care ended up bringing their kids. Since he was bumming around with nothing to do I encouraged him to join the first grade class and help out which he willingly did. He was as overwhelmed by the energy level as I was but he jumped in to assist as needed.

When we left, we started talking about the class. On his own, he suggested that maybe there were kids who just shouldn't be in a classroom until they mature a bit. It was then that I heard the words every parent longs for: I think you did everything just right, Mom. He's pretty sure that he'll be ready to start school as a freshman next fall but that it's too bad more kids can't be home until they're ready for school.

MonkeyBoy has been crabby and critical lately, especially with me, so I nearly keeled over with shock when I heard the words I didn't expect for decades.

Mamanxiety, Part One

Sometimes all I wish for is a day or two, even an hour, of knowing I'm making the right choices for my kids. My mamanxiety is pretty high these days and I keep having that nagging feeling that I'm messing up my kids for life. When you homeschool your kids, there's no one else to blame, right?

MonkeyBoy is a pretty intense and challenging kid. This is hard to accept for those who see him under ideal circumstances because most people only see his charm, his quick wit, his thoughtfulness, and his brilliant smile. All of these are completely genuine, but when it's time to buckle down and work, most of these attributes disappear and he becomes easily frustrated, ill-tempered, and not my favorite companion.

I think at some level I understand his frustration. Academic work doesn't come easily to him. He's an incredibly talented artist but words and numbers won't behave for him and even at 12 it's torture for him to sit still for long. For years I've tried to adopt the relatively easygoing attitude that so many homeschooling parents seem to have mastered: there's no rush, he'll get it when he's ready and so on. And then I realize that he's more than a little bit behind--he's still struggling with concepts that much younger kids have mastered. But it isn't just that I realize it, he's more and more aware of it himself. Our semester in the awful virtual charter school had him convinced that he was just plain stupid compared to other kids his age. That realization was what prompted me to pull him out and give the kid a break. A really long break.

I don't believe this kid would thrive in public school especially in our small district which lacks all the groovy special interest programs found in the large neighboring school district. I think he'd be so overstimulated in the average classroom that he wouldn't learn much at all. I felt this when he was 5 and my opinion really hasn't changed much. But you'd think that after all these years I'd be a confident homeschooling pro and I am as full of worry as ever.

Unschooling sounds so wonderful and I wish I could be that kind of homeschooling parent, but I'm not. I love the idea of child-led learning and I have met a few self-identified unschooled kids that seem to have blossomed with such an approach (and I've met a few that scare the pants off me, to be fair). But left to their own devices my boys would do nothing but play computer games, read crappy fantasy books and squabble with each other and I just can't feel OK with that.

On the other hand we are way too disorganized and spontaneous for a rigorous scheduled curriculum. Because MonkeyBoy takes hours to do a few minutes' work, the idea of 8-10 hours a day at the kitchen table (because he still can't get much done without my constant supervision) to cover the state standards fills me with no end of horror. That was the nightmare that was the virtual charter school and I can't see doing that again.

On the other hand (how many hands do I have now?) my mercurial little sprite needs to learn some buckling down skills as well as how to write a decent one-page essay without excessive drama. So we're at it again, nose to the grindstone. Am I teaching him much needed discipline or am I crushing his spirit? I still don't know but I can't help but feel that I really ought to have this all figured out by now.

Ritalin Sticks

Please note the lovely handknitted garments worn by The Princess: black fingerless gloves and bright yellow kerchief thing. They were made not by me, but by MonkeyBoy who is a fine if erratic knitter in his own right.

My boy struggles with attention issues and has a lot of the classic ADD characteristics. He's impulsive, has to tap his feet and fiddle with things, is easily overwhelmed, and often has a hard time staying on task. As hard as it is to be around I know it's ten times harder to live it so I am always happy to see him engaged in something that allows him to be still and relaxed. Often it's reading or drawing. And, once again, it's knitting. He'll go months at a time without picking up yarn and needles but then he remembers goes on a wild knitting streak. And he's good. We should all have such even stitches.

Knitting is good for kids. It's a time tested activity in Waldorf schools--the dolls creep me out but I love that they do lots of knitting. Even more mainstream schools are finding many benefits to teaching kids knitting. At our house, I love it when MonkeyBoy settles down to knit. Sometimes he listens to books on tape, but often he's willing to engage in thoughtful discussions. He's excited when he masters a new technique. And the generosity with which he knitted the items for his sister was absolutely lovely to behold. She is so proud to wear his knitted gifts and he's clearly thrilled at seeing her wear them.

Validation

I wrote last month about The Dark Lord venturing into public school after having been homeschooled since kindergarten. He's running on too little sleep and too little food and he's often rather stressed out. But he does get himself up every morning, showers, and gets himself out the door. He's made friends and seems to be enjoying himself overall.

Today were the first parent-teacher conferences which I approached with some trepidation. After being my child's teacher all these years I felt like it was my work being scrutinized as much as his. It's all about me, right?

The teachers were each set up at a table in the commons area and the parents went from one table to the next in order to speak with them. It was a bit of a madhouse and I left with a lot of sympathy for the teachers and all they had to juggle (and not a little appreciation for my job which allows me to focus on one subject with one group of students for an entire term).

As for The Dark Lord's academic progress, he's doing well. Very well. He's missing an assignment or two here and there but overall he's making great progress and his teachers seem to like him. The Spouse and I kind of figured this first quarter would be all about learning to get up and out the door in the morning and keeping track of assignments. I figured we'd be ahead of the game if he made C's in his classes but right now it's looking like 7 A's and a B!

I know that grades have nothing to do with who he is or even what he knows, and I know that much of school is learning to jump through hoops. But the thing is, he's having a good time. He's making friends. He's working on group projects and is starting to look into extracurricular activities. He's not getting taunted or harassed and he's not taking drugs. My fears about high school seem to be pretty much unfounded. And good grades? Icing on the cake!

Defying the Rain

We've had a few glorious autumn days lately with golden sunlight and deep saturated colors:

I 'd hoped maybe we'd still be lucky today for our homeschool group's scheduled walking tour. Sadly, Portland's famous rain was dripping from a leaden sky all morning. Nonetheless we bundled up and headed out. Our tour guide was full of fascinating information which helped me to better appreciate the city in which I've spent my entire life. We touched on art, history, architecture, and more. The kids were all very good natured with only adults complaining about the rain. The time flew and eventually the sun even peeped out. Given the weather I easily could have stayed home and listened to the kids squabble today, but I'm glad we ventured out with our friends for a day of tromping about in the rain. It was eye-opening in many ways.

When it works…..

The Dark Lord stumbled out the door bright and early for his another day of hell high school, leaving the house quiet until the other two woke up, which is happening earlier and earlier these days.

After big bowls of oatmeal, we got down to the day’s schooling which went remarkably smoothly, enough so that I wanted to take note of it.

Last year we dropped a ton of money on a big set of Zome which the boys have built with on and off. I also purchased a set of lesson plans to help me use them to the fullest for teaching math, science, art but because we'd enrolled in the Evil Charter School last year, I never got around to exploring the lessons. Given the hands on, multidisciplinary aspect of Zome I figured it might be perfect for MonkeyBoy this year and we started today with lesson one. We watched an introductory BrainPop movie on polygons and then got to work building shapes. We worked in a lot of new math terms and some Latin roots though I still don't understand why don't say quadragon. I loved that my 5 year old and my 12 year old were equally engaged, each exploring at his/her own speed.

Eventually we moved on to this week's Five in a Row book. I've long been intrigued with the Five in a Row model. The title refers to reading a classic picture book five days in a row and focusing each day on a different subject: art, literature, math, science, or social studies. The reading list includes books we already know and love along with titles that are new to us. Our first book was a total bust despite my assurances that it was one of my favorites as a kid. The Princess simply refused to hear it more than once. The next two books went over better and this week's book was lovely and engaging, even if it did require us to talk about slavery. Both kids listened as I read, admired the pictures and asked questions. So there they were for nearly two hours, completely engaged. It was like a homeschooling parent's dream!

Tonight we watched yet another great documentary. MonkeyBoy has his academic challenges but he will watch just about any movie we bring home. Not only has he seen far more documentaries that your average 12 year old, he's really learning things from them and his inevitable questions nearly always lead to great discussions. He's well versed on the problems of credit cards, the climate crisis, and the electric car, all due to recently watched documentaries. Tonight we watched Promises, a wonderful film about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict through the eyes of kids from both sides. It was very well done and if you decide to watch it, make sure to watch the follow up material on the DVD.

The Dark Lord was gone all day and then had to spend the evening on homework so I haven't seen a whole lot of him. The whole schedule thing is still very challenging and he's currently not very thrilled about school. I still have no idea if this experiment is for the best but I do know that I miss having him around while we learn.

Back to School

OK, it isn't really back to school because The Dark Lord hasn't been in a schoolroom since pre-school. When he finished up there, we tried getting him into a charter school kindergarten which fell apart. We decided then that we would homeschool him for kindergarten because we really didn't feel that he would thrive in a busy classroom all day long. He's always been a kid with the ability to focus deeply when he's interested and the need for lots of solitude. Being around too many people for too long and being required to switch from one task to another seemed to stress him out, so we saw no reason to push him into that kind of environment so early.

Our first year of homeschooling grew into many years. MonkeyBoy joined in as well. Over the years, both boys learned to read in completely different ways. They've explored topics in depth, tried out everything from fencing to yoga, worked at home and in lots of different groups, and have read hundreds of books. They've written stories, made movies, built bridges, dissected owl pellets, taken field trips, acted in Shakespeare plays, and had endless hours to dream and imagine and just...be.

But then one day last spring, The Dark Lord mentioned that he might like to give school a try. We set up a visit and off he went to see what high school was all about. He came home not exactly eager, but definitely willing to give it a try. This month we've turned in forms and worked on replenishing the wardrobe. We've bought binders and lunch kits and a fancy new backpack and all of this business has kept me from focusing on the real issue, which is that my child will be leaving our home and spending much of his day out there, in the land of TV and pop culture and drugs and promiscuity and fundamentalist Christians and racists and gangs and cheerleaders and all the things we've tried to keep him from. He's strong and he knows who he is and what's right and wrong and I am confident that he will make good choices, but I just can't begin to imagine what he will make of this experience.

It's a good enough school. We're outside the city's big school district and don't have to participate in the competitive struggle to get our kids into the best school. There's one high school in the district and all the kids have the same opportunities. The classes range from remedial to honors (and my homeschooling mama self is proud that the boy's writing was good enough that he was accepted into those honors classes). The school's population is diverse which, admittedly, can't be said of our city's homeschooling community which is mostly white and mostly at least middle class. The arts program surprised me in its variety--I thought they didn't have money for arts in public schools anymore.

So our whole family is just.....waiting. We all seem to understand that this is huge, for all of us. I will actually welcome the chance to pay more attention to his siblings who will continue to learn at home, but I am having a hard time getting used to the idea that he'll be missing from our home for hours and hours every week.

Doubts

I used to think having little ones was the hard part of being a parent. They're so needy and have no language skills or patience. But it turns out I'm still waiting for the easy part to begin. I wonder about when we need to persist, and when we need to follow our instincts about something that doesn't seem to be working.

Right now I am really beginning to question my decisions about my kids. The Dark Lord really wanted to learn to play guitar and we figured that could start immediately post bar mitzvah when he'd have a bit more time. We found a teacher who is highly recommended for both his technical skills and his teaching ability. Generous friends gave the boy a lovely guitar as a bar mitzvah gift and he was quite excited to get started. He was thrilled after the first lesson but as time has gone on he shows less and less enthusiasm for learning. I know it's hard going starting a new skill and he doesn't love to work hard. But he leaves his lessons so visibly unhappy now and has begun to show less and less interest in practicing. It may be that he's simply having to confront the difficulty of learning a new skill. Or it may be that his teacher's expectations and virtuosity are intimidating and taking any possible joy out of learning. I don't know if I should push him to stick with it or honor his feeling that it’s not a good fit.

Perhaps if this weren't coming on the heels of the charter school disaster, I'd have a bit more clarity about how to handle things. That experience was clearly not working well and MonkeyBoy's improved behavior since we took him out should be all the validation I need. But I still worry that maybe I've encouraged them to believe that when things get tough it's OK to cut and run.

I envy all those homeschooling parents who declare with confidence that we must trust that our children will learn what they need and they'll turn out just fine if we just let them be. If any of you folks are reading this.....how do you do it? Where does that confidence come from? I find myself less and less sure about the wisdom of homeschooling these beautiful kids of mine while, at the same time, I'm as unwilling as ever to throw them in to the competitive and conformist world of institutional schooling. What's a mom to do?

All I want, really, is to have a few days now and then when I feel confident that I'm doing the right thing with my kids.

Big Decisions

Last spring we decided homeschooling as we’d been doing wasn’t really working. It had begun to feel quite haphazard and inconsistent and I began to worry that my children would be completely unprepared for The Real World. When we investigated Connections Academy, a virtual charter school based in Scio, Oregon it looked too good to be true. We were skeptical going in, of course. It’s nothing but a big for-profit corporation that couldn’t possibly have our kids’ best interests at heart. But the promise of the box of materials on the doorstep and the pre-planned lessons was just too marvelous to ignore. Surely, we thought, this would be a good bridge between our cozy life at home and The Real World and we’d have real, live teachers standing by to help us.

While the relatives and schooling parents all seemed to breathe a sigh of relief that we were finally doing something sensible with the boys, all our homeschooling friends had reactions ranging from doubt to horror. Why ever would we give up the autonomy and freedom of homeschooling for the experience of others deciding what, how, and when our children need to learn? Honestly, I was happy with the curriculum and felt that my kids would have a great academic foundation in the program. And I felt that having outside authorities night reduce the power struggles I was having with the boys about schoolwork.

We expected a transitional period but it’s now halfway through the school year and both boys are too busy to go anywhere or see friends. We feel trapped in the house, we hardly see anyone, and it’s always all about getting the work done. This is childhood? One child is perpetually “behind” and under pressure (and not surprisingly, acting out) while the other has found that computer based learning provides a world of distraction and that one can skate along doing shoddy work with few consequences. The Princess is stuck at home while I crack the whip over her brothers and I am bordering on depression from the stress of it all.

Oddly enough, the boys tell me that they want to continue with this program. When we talk about it, it’s the structure that appeals to them but not the pace. But we don’t get to make substantive adjustments with Connections. We haven’t found a way to make it work for our family.

While I dread hunting down resources, planning lessons, and developing curriculum again, I feel like this just isn’t a good fit. I know I can take what worked from this experience and adapt as necessary to come up with something that works for our family and helps my boys grow into themselves. I’ve sent in the letter stating our wish to pull the boys out. And I finally feel like I can breathe again.